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Saturday, March 12, 2011

Lip Rash and Baseball

Nurse Dave,

I suffer from photosensitivity on my upper lip region. I've tried many different types of ointments and creams to treat the pinkish red skin that is sometimes accompanied with unflattering blisters but nothing seems to help my condition. I've found that the only thing that truly works has been to grow out my upper lip facial hair. This not only shields my skin from the harmful effects of the sun but also gives me a distinguished and educated look that seems to command respect wherever I go. A win, win.

I love baseball. I love watching live baseball games so as to smell the sweet aroma of fresh cut grass. My budget does not allow me to attend many professional games so I find myself strolling the local parks to watch little league baseball as often as I can. I've noticed though, that I've been getting a lot of looks from the parents that are there to watch their young sons play baseball. Could my moustache be failing at hiding my pink, photosensitive upper lip and this is why I'm getting nervous stares from my fellow baseball-lovers?


Noble Moustache Wearer
Lehi, UT

The first thing we need to establish is that not everyone is in agreement on what a mustache means. We can thank Tom for all the positive things he's done for mustaches but we have to be aware that mustaches aren't always used for good in fact they can be used for evil. So somewhere in this confusion over mustaches I think lies your real problem.

To understand this problem we need to go back in time. In the 70's a mustache meant that you were an extremely good looking man with lots of hair on your body. In the 80's a mustache probably meant that you played professional baseball. Mustaches took a bad turn in the 90's where they suddenly began to mean that you were a creepy man looking to prey on the innocent thats why there was also an explosion in goatees in the 90's. Men have to have facial hair and if denied a mustache they'll go to a less tasteful goatee (it even happened to Tom). The problem is we're still stuck in the 90's when it comes to mustache interpretation. Sure there are plenty of hipsters sporting ironic mustaches but no one is wearing them like they did in the 70's. I think people are looking at your face through a 90's colored lens. People see you're facial hair as evidence of some degree of inner creepiness and thus the parents at the little league games aren't noticing your lip rash but are actually noticing your lip hair.

My advice to you would be to soldier on. Throughout all history nobel men have worn mustaches and we can't stop now just because a few creepy men also have worn mustaches. That'd be like refusing to wear shorts just because you heard that John Wayne Gacy Jr. loved shorts. We can't let the actions of others dictate our own fashion decisions. Just remember if someone has a problem with your mustache they don't have a problem with you, they have a problem with themselves. Either that or you could try wearing a wide brimmed hat.

(Me on my wedding day)

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