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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Fear is real

Nurse Dave,

We recently discovered that our plumbing may be inhabited by a colon cat. We haven't seen any attacks yet, but I'm afraid it's only a matter of time. I've heard that once a colon cat has chosen a place to live, it can never be removed. What do you suggest we do?

Spencer, Chicago, Il

Well Spencer I searched for colon cat on the internet and all I got was this. But I believe you are referring to the urban legend of a creature that lives in the sewer system and occasionally will attack an unsuspecting person through the toilet. The attacks are said to be violent and involve the victim's colon. Reports of actual colon cat sightings are unverified but the fear certainly is real. I would compare the colon cat and its potential existence to the chupacabra. Both creatures are terrifying to me so my first suggestion would probably be to move failing that here are a few suggestions

- The colon cat is attracted the colons loaded with high fat substances. Eat healthy.
- Toilet Seat Locks
- The colon cat is frightened by music with a 3/4 time signature so listen to lots of waltzes
- I heard that a colon cat killed John Wayne
- For further suggestions I think you should talk to my friend Jordan. He's an expert on the subject.


  1. As a part time cryptozoologist, I’ve dedicated my life (part-time) to studying creatures most believe to be “mythical.”

    It is thought that the colon cat is a genetic cross between a Coelacanth and a Wampus Cat. While the exact mechanism of the cross is unknown, it is believed that human and/or extraterrestrial genetic manipulation was involved.

    The colon cat remains one of the lesser known cryptids, likely due to an international cover-up/disinformation campaign. They’ve even kept it off of wikipedia. The method of attack is quite gruesome. The colon cat has a free spinning tongue, thought to have skeletal structure, with two, large and hinged razor-sharp bony plates. It looks similar to this. The colon cat inserts its tongue into the colon of the victim and then spins its tongue up to 300rpm. The centrifugal force causes the bony plates to spin out and remove/blend flesh which the colon cat then slurps up.

    The colon cat resides in sewers and sometimes muddy rivers or swamps. Like the Wampus Cat, the colon cat stalks its prey. So try not to make your trips to the loo too consistent. Perhaps the most famous colon cat victim is Elvis Presley. Famous for his love of fried foods, he attracted a colon cat and was attacked. The story told of his death and the rumor that he may still be alive are meant to distract attention from the existence of colon cats.

    Nurse Dave’s advice is right on, but here are some additional tips:
    - Music in any odd meter will do, 5/4, 7/8. This will confuse the colon cat and hopefully cause it to move on
    - Eat proper amounts of fiber and drink enough water daily to shorten your trips to the toilet
    - Eat asparagus once a week or so. Colon cats hate the sulfurous smell associated with urine after one eats asparagus
    - Clean your toilets often. Colon cats prefer murky water, so the cleaner your toilet, the better the chance that the colon cat will move on.
    - Don’t use the stuff that turns your toilet water blue. It will seem murky to colon cats.
    - Consider designating a "toilet buddy." Two heads are better than one and you can never be too careful when it comes to colon cats.
    - Jordan

  2. all good advice from an expert in the field.