Steroids?

Dear Nurse Dave,
What's the deal with Steroids? The ones I take for my asthma only make my blood sugar go up. I don't get any sweet muscles. What's going on here?
Devon, Knoxville, TN

Good question Devon. The first thing you need to understand is that steroid is kind of an umbrella term. There are many things that fit under that umbrella. You can think of it like cheese. There are many, many kinds of cheese and you would be foolish to expect the same flavor from a feta as you would from a cheddar. The steroids you're taking can affect the body in a number of ways but you are taking them primarily for the anti-inflammatory properties (so you can breath).

What you are wondering about is anabolic steroids. These steroids mimic male sex hormones and enable massive amounts of muscle to be gained. Just look at what happened to Barry Bonds following his use of steroids.


Pretty impressive right? Well Devon Steroids aren't all just huge muscles, home runs and chicks. There are some side effects that actually aren't pleasant. There is the psychiatric effect commonly called roid rage. Some say it was the mood disorders caused by steroids that caused Stallone to make this film. There are also sexual side effects including masculine side effects for women (facial hair) and feminine side effects for men (gynecomastia). The roid's can also be hard on your heart and liver. Some men report baldness and increase in head size.

So the question for you Devon would be are sweet muscles worth the side effects? Well they certainly made my favorite childhood TV show possible but my personal answer is sweet muscles are awesome but you don't need anabolic steroids. You just need Tony Horton.

Bald?

Dear Nurse Dave,
I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm going bald what are my options?
Bill, Lawrence, KS

Bill you're not alone. This is a common struggle that men your age go through. The first thing you've got to ask yourself is, "Am I comfortable being bald?" If the answer is yes then you just have to pick from several bald hairstyle options: The total shave, The combover, the Gallagher, Tastefully cropped or be like my wife's grandpa. He likes to let the curls grow towards the top of his baldness. It looks good.

If you aren't comfortable with going bald there are medical treatments available. Medications include minoxidil and finasteride. Both have about a 50% chance of actually helping you regrow hair. But you'd be stuck using minoxidil forever. Hair transplant is also an option though results vary. And apparently hair cloning is now possible. Nonmedical treatments such as hats and toupees are also an option that men have had success with.

In the end Bill it is realy about being comfortable with yourself. Personally I'd go with the Gallagher.

Cool Guys

(if you haven't seen Jordan's expert facts regarding the last post you should probably read it in the comments, it is awesome and now for this post)

Dear Nurse Dave,

Which one of these are you?

Cool Guy Files

Grayson, Maybe somewhere in Utah


I would love to be a number of the different cool guys. With my recent efforts at P90X I could claim to be this cool guy but unfortunately my hair isn't long enough. I used to dress like this guy but its too hot in Arizona to wear a sport coat too much. And recently I've been looking into getting some cowboy gear and becoming this guy. But if I'm being honest with myself I understand that I'm Expert Guy. I'll give you a few reasons why

1) I started a blog where people could ask me questions to show that I know more than them.
2) On Monday I took a group of guys hiking and I pretty much sounded like a tour guide of the desert. At some point each guy complimented my chaco sandals and my homemade leather gatherings bag. Each guy was impressed by my expertise and when I told them that the hike usually takes me 2 1/2 hours less when I do it alone they all were further impressed.
3) Go ahead ask me where the fire came from. Yeah I made it. And yeah I used sticks to make it.

(I'm wearing chacos here)
4) I listen to NPR.
5) I read books. I even know about Napoleon. Why? I'll tell you why. I read a book. Did I finish the book? No but that doesn't matter. I can tell you all about him up to a certain point and thats all I really need to do to sound smart.
6) I read comic books. I think the new Captain America movie will be good but I'm less optimistic about Thor.


Thanks for the question Grayson. My advice to anyone out there would be to pick one of the cool guys and pattern your life after him. Its working for me.

Fear is real

Nurse Dave,

We recently discovered that our plumbing may be inhabited by a colon cat. We haven't seen any attacks yet, but I'm afraid it's only a matter of time. I've heard that once a colon cat has chosen a place to live, it can never be removed. What do you suggest we do?

Spencer, Chicago, Il


Well Spencer I searched for colon cat on the internet and all I got was this. But I believe you are referring to the urban legend of a creature that lives in the sewer system and occasionally will attack an unsuspecting person through the toilet. The attacks are said to be violent and involve the victim's colon. Reports of actual colon cat sightings are unverified but the fear certainly is real. I would compare the colon cat and its potential existence to the chupacabra. Both creatures are terrifying to me so my first suggestion would probably be to move failing that here are a few suggestions

- The colon cat is attracted the colons loaded with high fat substances. Eat healthy.
- Toilet Seat Locks
- The colon cat is frightened by music with a 3/4 time signature so listen to lots of waltzes
- I heard that a colon cat killed John Wayne
- For further suggestions I think you should talk to my friend Jordan. He's an expert on the subject.

Kool Aid

Nurse Dave,

What about the health benefits of koolaid?

Mark, Provo, UT

Mark I saw your question in the comments and felt the question was important enough for an entire post. First this picture will begin to help me explain the importance of Kool Aid not just in our day to day lives but in the founding of our nation.

Could Franklin have helped write the declaration of Independence and the Constitution through hot Philadephia summers without a refreshing and hydrating drink like Kool Aid? Probably not. Could he have gained the crucial support of the French during the revolutionary war without first sharing a delicious glass of Fruit punch with them? I don't think so.

Now the health benefits in our day to day lives include of course: hydration, powerful electrolytes, necessary sugars (our brains run on glucose), and healthy dyes (careful the dye in Kool Aid will stain). Also we can't forget the enjoyment of a Kool Aid Smile.

But sadly Mark Kool Aid doesn't lend itself purely to health benefits. Some naysayers point to the cup of sugar mixed into each half gallon of Kool Aid as a potential cause for obesity. Others claim that the needless calories in drinks such as Kool Aid and soda are adding serious weight to our population. In the end you just have to make your own decisions about Kool Aid but me I'm probably going to side with Ben Franklin. Finally there is also this to think about.

Candy!?

Dear Nurse Dave,

My baby used to eat all types of healthy foods. Then on her first birthday we let her have some cake. Now she will only eat carbs and sweets. Is she guaranteed to develop diabetes? Is there anything we can do or is she ruined for life?

Sincerely,

Agatha
Baton Rouge, LA

p.s., I think Prince just has indigestion. The one that coats is the only one he needs.


Firstly lets all hope that it is just indigestion. I don't want anything throwing Prince off his game, his music is just too important. Secondly, I have limited experience in pediatrics but I do remember my childhood quite well. The important thing for my appropriate development was the early introduction of candy, preferrably of the Willy Wonka Brand, and then the constant ingestion of the candy. I credit this constant ingestion of candy with much of my success. In fact throughout nursing school when I had to study for a big test you could be certain a box of runts or bottle caps would be near by.

But I do also understand that eating large amounts of candy may not be the best choice for every child. In fact it can lead to disastrous results. So your concern probably isn't unfounded. The way I see it there are several potential solutions to your problem.

>Learn and sing the Augustus Gloop song to your child thereby teaching its powerful lesson to her.

>Give her cake for every meal until she can't handle it anymore and actually hates it. My mom did this unintentionally with my oldest brother and hotdogs. I think he still doesn't eat them.

>Just give her good wholesome natural foods. Don't give her anymore junk. You're in control of the food she eats.

> Or finally, just embrace it. Comedy writers have mined overweight kids for jokes for years. You could also do this and probably really enjoy it.

Good luck Agatha. Pick whatever strategy works best for you. But a final word of warning the just embracing it option probably will lead to diabetes.

When is it that doves cry?

Nurse Dave,
Have you ever listened to Prince's "When Doves Cry"? In the second verse he sings:

"Touch if you will my stomach
Feel how it trembles inside"

What could be going here? I mean, my thinking here is that something may be wrong with Prince's stomach, and that these tremblings are symptoms of a serious illness.

Could you shed a little light on this? It's been on my mind for a while.

Thanks.

Bill, Slinger, WI


Bill, I'm touched by your concern for Prince. Initially I thought that Prince could be suffering from some kind of electrolyte disturbance like hypocalemia or hypernatremia. Both of these disturbances can cause the sort of muscle twitching Prince seems to be describing and can be potentially serious if not corrected. Chvostek's sign is a sign of hypocalemia and can be caused by flicking someone in repeatedly the face. So I would suggest Prince get somebody to flick his face or a get simple blood lab done.

But then I looked at the next line in the song, "You've got the butterflies all tied up." That makes the issue seem a little deeper and more mechanical to me (potentially an obstruction). So the first step for Prince would probably be to get a colonoscopy so that a doctor could get a camera up in there and really check out what's happening. The doctor could see if there was any diverticulitis happening, see an obstruction or maybe even correct the problem right then and there. But really before I say any more about this I'd want to know if there's any blood in Prince's stool.



On a side note my favorite Prince song is 1999. And another side note it turns out that Prince is a little crazy when it comes to video clips of his. His people remove anything by him from youtube so that link could already be gone.

Face/Off

Dear Nurse Dave,
I recently had the opportunity to catch the movie Face/Off on cable and I was wondering what your thoughts were considering the medical procedures taking place in the film?
Brandon, Atlanta, GA

Well Brandon it has been a while since I've seen the film but fortunately the entire plot of the film is summed up in the title. Nic Cage and John Travolta surgically switch faces. So I think your first question would be are face transplants possible? The answer is yes, Brandon they are happening. It isn't really a common procedure but a man that fell face first onto a electrified subway rail, a man burned by a power line, a lady attacked by a chimpanzee have all had face transplants. The first ever full face transplant was just performed a couple weeks ago. Word on that transplant is that it wasn't done to find the location of a bomb, the transplant was just done because the guy's face was pretty messed up.

Now Brandon I think your second question is implied and that question would be did I enjoy the movie? My answer would be it stars Nicolas Cage, how could I not enjoy it? The film makes the audience take a few leaps into the realm of ridiculous but I say just enjoy the ride. If you need to find a bomb of course you trade faces with a crazy terrorist, why not? But you need to be aware that that terrorist will probably wake up kill a bunch of people and then steal your face because what else is a terrorist going to do? Then film proceeds with the wild psychological ride of two men living each other's lives with each other's faces. It just about blows my mind every time I think about it. Really the film is more than entertainment because it gets right down into the nature of identity. What is it that makes you, you? Is it your face or is it something more?

Here's the trailer for those that haven't seen the film. Just to warn you the trailer features John Travolta's greatest monologue of all time.