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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Facial Hair Guidelines

Nurse Dave,

Since i met you you've always had some kind of assortment of facial hair. Myself being a man that keeps a goatee im interested if there are facial hair standards/guidelines/do's and donts that you try to live by.

Nathan, Mesa, AZ

First thing to realize is that there are no don'ts for facial hair. Only do's. The question is what do you want your facial hair to say and then groom it to make that statement.

The Homeless Beard
The homeless beard soared to popularity in a few years ago. It makes a powerful statement, "Hey I choose to look this way. Am I homeless or not? I'm not sure maybe you should spend a few minutes to get to know me. Who knows what I might have to offer." The homeless beard works well for outdoor enthusiasts, hollywood actors trying to let loose and people with real problems.

The Long Goatee
There was a resurrgence of for goatees in the mid 90's and nobody did the long goatee as well as Alexi Lalas (US soccer player dude). I think the statement he was making was, "Hey look at my goatee, you think I could braid this thing?" This kind of facial hair works well for former gang members, professional cleaners and members of metal bands.

The Tasteful Mustache
I'm not sure this look could ever go out of style. The mustache exudes a natural sexuality and classiness that other facial hair can't compete with. A mustache says, "Hey you want to take me seriously, I mean really seriously." This look works well for album covers, weddings and coaching.

The Evil Goatee
Frequently goatees are used to denote that a character has turned to either evil or steroids. The evil goatee can be used for good but it is difficult to harness the power for good (you'll probably need this to do it). The evil goatee says, "I'm the evil twin of the guy you normally see when he doesn't have a goatee. Can I borrow your car?" This look works well for job interviews at banks, hitting 60 or more homeruns and being a waiter at Texas Roadhouse. Be careful with this look.

Side Burns
Now you can go a number different directions with sideburns but I think we can all agree that the only real direction to go is as pictured above. Sideburns are for awesomely hot dudes from the 90's and make the statement, "Yeah I'll hang with you but I'm low on cash. Could you spot me a few?" But honestly I can't grow real sideburns and have always felt the loss after watching all those episodes of 90210. Sideburns work well for guys that are very very cool, guys that are way into the 1950s or 1990s, and Wolverine.

The Scruffy Beard
This is the look I try to go for but really can't achieve. It says, "Hey I'm relaxed, good looking, informed about interesting subjects or at least I want you to think those things about me." This works well for indie rock musicians, fans of indie rock music, nurses, good looking men, not good looking men and therapists.

The Chinstrap
I don't know what to say about this one other than just that I'm grateful that we have facial hair. Everyone can find the look for them. All it takes is a razor and so kind of clippers or facial hair grooming kit.

The list of facial hair looks goes on and on. The Bad Mustache,The Chin Only Goatee,The handlebar, The Fu Manchu, The super groomed. Really Nathan you just have to decide what you need to say and say it.


  1. I found that as a young man the style of facial hair was completely dependent on my ability to grow any kind of facial hair. It started with the sideburns at 16 (14 years ago) and it was only in the last 6 months I could grow a mustache.

    I think every man should bow down to the power of Frank Zappa's mustache.

  2. i still can't really grow facial hair