Facial Hair Guidelines

Nurse Dave,

Since i met you you've always had some kind of assortment of facial hair. Myself being a man that keeps a goatee im interested if there are facial hair standards/guidelines/do's and donts that you try to live by.

Nathan, Mesa, AZ

First thing to realize is that there are no don'ts for facial hair. Only do's. The question is what do you want your facial hair to say and then groom it to make that statement.

The Homeless Beard
The homeless beard soared to popularity in a few years ago. It makes a powerful statement, "Hey I choose to look this way. Am I homeless or not? I'm not sure maybe you should spend a few minutes to get to know me. Who knows what I might have to offer." The homeless beard works well for outdoor enthusiasts, hollywood actors trying to let loose and people with real problems.

The Long Goatee
There was a resurrgence of for goatees in the mid 90's and nobody did the long goatee as well as Alexi Lalas (US soccer player dude). I think the statement he was making was, "Hey look at my goatee, you think I could braid this thing?" This kind of facial hair works well for former gang members, professional cleaners and members of metal bands.

The Tasteful Mustache
I'm not sure this look could ever go out of style. The mustache exudes a natural sexuality and classiness that other facial hair can't compete with. A mustache says, "Hey you want to take me seriously, I mean really seriously." This look works well for album covers, weddings and coaching.

The Evil Goatee
Frequently goatees are used to denote that a character has turned to either evil or steroids. The evil goatee can be used for good but it is difficult to harness the power for good (you'll probably need this to do it). The evil goatee says, "I'm the evil twin of the guy you normally see when he doesn't have a goatee. Can I borrow your car?" This look works well for job interviews at banks, hitting 60 or more homeruns and being a waiter at Texas Roadhouse. Be careful with this look.

Side Burns
Now you can go a number different directions with sideburns but I think we can all agree that the only real direction to go is as pictured above. Sideburns are for awesomely hot dudes from the 90's and make the statement, "Yeah I'll hang with you but I'm low on cash. Could you spot me a few?" But honestly I can't grow real sideburns and have always felt the loss after watching all those episodes of 90210. Sideburns work well for guys that are very very cool, guys that are way into the 1950s or 1990s, and Wolverine.

The Scruffy Beard
This is the look I try to go for but really can't achieve. It says, "Hey I'm relaxed, good looking, informed about interesting subjects or at least I want you to think those things about me." This works well for indie rock musicians, fans of indie rock music, nurses, good looking men, not good looking men and therapists.

The Chinstrap
I don't know what to say about this one other than just that I'm grateful that we have facial hair. Everyone can find the look for them. All it takes is a razor and so kind of clippers or facial hair grooming kit.








The list of facial hair looks goes on and on. The Bad Mustache,The Chin Only Goatee,The handlebar, The Fu Manchu, The super groomed. Really Nathan you just have to decide what you need to say and say it.

Perfect Day

Dear Nurse Dave,
What would your perfect day be like?
Toni, Port Arthur, NJ

Toni, I'm pretty sure it would be exactly like this (especially the blow darts at the end).

Clones

Dear Nurse Dave,
Did Radiohead clone their drummer and then have him drum on stage in addition to their regular drummer?
Peter, Leicester UK

Peter I think I understand where you're getting this idea from. That's from Michael Bay's hit movie the Island. Where people clone copies of themselves so that they can replace worn out body parts. The only thing that people weren't counting on is that sometimes clones can break loose from the holding facility and cause lots of explosions. If you'll recall in this movie clone Ewan McGregor meets not clone Ewan McGregor and wants help. Unfortunately the clone did not receive any help so he had to explode stuff. I think what happened with radiohead is probably a similar thing and Phil just decided to let him be the second drummer.

You'll note subtle differences in the two bald drummers of roughly the same age. I think its because it isn't yet 2110 (the year in which the Island takes place) so we haven't got the cloning thing down. Also there are some people that suggest Johnny Greenwood is a clone of 50's movie actor Peter Lorre. I think this is possible.

Protect the Skin Folds

Dear Nurse Dave,

My baby daughter is really fat, which is really cute. But it also means that she sometimes gets irritated skin on her neck from the friction of the rolls rubbing against each other. Do you have any recommendations for remedying this problem?

Spencer, Chicago, IL

Spencer as a nurse I frequently have to document what I do for patients and use a detailed computer program to do so. Much of the documentation involves just clicking on boxes with standard interventions given to patients already typed in the program. Like I might click on "elevation" as an intervention performed on a swollen leg. Other common interventions to click on are perineal care, control temperature, moisturize and of course protect the skin folds.

Skin folds can be dangerous and terrifying. I've heard tales of remote controls and sandwiches being found in skin folds (seriously). Mostly I've just found fungus (serious amounts). Things I've commonly done to protect the skin folds include using moisturizer, using baby powder, using anti-fungal powder (for more information about fungus fighting I would suggest you consult Dan Jennejohn, that guy has had athlete's foot for over a decade). So really Spence you've got to protect the skin folds in whatever way feels best to you. I just know that more often than not that when I lift a skin fold I throw some powder in there.

Also you may want to get your baby involved in face and neck yoga. From what I understand that can eleminate wrinkles and before long your baby will no longer have to wear turtle necks to hide those unsightly neck folds. Also here's the fastest way to get six pack abs (if you don't start them young they will never get six pack abs, I'm still upset that my parents didn't get me an ab rocker until I was 17).

The Casual Man

Dear nurse Dave,

How can I incorporate more "n's" into my vocabulary? You know, like when people mean to say "and" but they also want to reassure you that they are off the clock?

Grayson


Grayson, I think I know what you're really asking. You're asking, how do I become the Casual Man? The first thing you need to do is reevaluate your wardrobe. I'll first point you to the Dockers website. Those guys pretty much own casual Friday. Anything from Dockers will get you going where you want to be. Other casual clothes you should probably work into your rotation include - velour, corduroy, scarves, vests and of course velour. My velour tracksuit has never let me down.

The next step is the casual haircut. You need to look like you're not trying but even more than that you need to not be trying. So you could try the buzz cut, the floppy cut(in some circles known as the Hugh Grant) or the I sleep on the floor cut. I recently went from the Hugh Grant to the buzz cut. Both casual, both tasteful and both work well with Dockers kakis.

Also a casual man needs casual hobbies. Some to choose from - bocce ball, guitar (not the kind where you can play anything just the kind where you can only play one song and that song is "life is a highway"), reading magazines at a bookstore, talking about going hiking or finally of course modeling.

This all leads back to your original question involving casual speech. The clothes, haircut and hobbies should just lead you into casual speech. Casual speech includes dropping letters from words, intentionally using poor grammar and taking lots of long pauses. Also touch your face a lot when you speak. There is a casual element to face touching that you may be missing.

Grayson if you put that all together you will become the Casual Man and may soon find yourself in a Dockers ad without even knowing it.

Love Holiday

Nurse Dave,
As the holiday of love just passed, I have a question for you. Have you ever had a male friend dress in all pink, including tights, wear a gigantic pink cardboard heart that says "luv u" on it, and parade around campus on Valentine's Day?

Just curious. I think we could all benefit from friends like that.

Your biggest fan,
Courtney Hohl Morris

Sorry about the lateness in the response Courtney. I'm still getting over my two week celebration of Valentine's Day. I can't really get enough of the holiday and I love tiny heart shaped confetti. I love Valentine's Day so much that I can even forgive the awful taste of Conversation Hearts (I just think we can do better). If my hospital allowed me to wear anything other than navy blue scrubs you can be assured there would be a lot of hearts on my scrubs (or at least a tasteful zebra print). In the end I'm in favor of any holiday that celebrates love.

I do happen to remember that guy with the tights. From what I understand he still wears them every Valentine's Day and they were a hit at the Boys Ranch that he currently works at. I also think there are plans to get tights that match each major holiday. May I suggest green for St. Patricks Day in a couple of weeks?

Finally some suggestions for next year (or just for your next romantic date)
1. Don't go out for steak and don't do sushi either, split the difference get some humus
2. Cooking dinner at home can be romantic. From what I understand the onion is the most sensual of the roots.
3. Dancing is the way to a woman's heart (Just this morning there was dancing at my house to this song. The part about how hard times come and hard times go is very much true.)
4. Sunsets are good.
5. Watch any movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book. I've only ever seen A Walk to Remember but when he gave her that sweater I began to understand what love was really about.
6. Go on a walk (this can be nice even if you didn't just give or receive a sweater).
7. Buy her a nice sweater (or him!)
8. Sing to her, sweetly.

Valentines 2012 (Nurse Dave on the left, Mrs. Nurse Dave on the right)

Bed Sores

Dear Nurse Dave,
What are bed sores and is this something I need to worry about?
Mitchell, Winthrop, MA

Mitchell you probably don't need to worry about them but bed sores are very real. In the nursing industry we call them pressure ulcers. They come in four stages and happen to people that can't move themselves. People with spinal injuries commonly get pressure ulcers but pressure ulcers can happen in other ways too. For example patients on ventilators usually are given enough sedation that they don't actually move themselves so without constant repositioning they can develop sores. It is generally accepted practice to "turn" the patient every 2 hours. The worst ones that I've seen have happened outside the hospital and bone has been peaking through. These sores generally occur at points on the body where there is constant pressure. Like the coccyx.

Good luck Mitchell and stay off your backside!