Face off with Con Air

Dear Nurse Dave,

Which of these two Nicholas Cage movies is better: Face/Off or Con Air? Please explain your answer.


Spencer, Chicago, Illinois


First of all Spence its probably good that you limited the discussion to only two of his films.  If we had to start looking into Bangkok dangerous, Season of the Witch or Wicker Man we'd have a discussion on our hands that couldn't be limited to one blog post (or even one lifetime).  


So lets take a closer look at these two films.  


Supporting Casts - 
  
Face/Off you pretty much just have Travolta, who is of course awesome but I've never been that into his work since he left behind the Look Who's Talking series.  I felt like there were still a few good ideas in that series and that Travolta left it a little too soon (for example maybe after the pets started talking the furniture could start talking like in Beauty and the Beast.  Recently I saw an elementary school production of Beauty and the Beast the kids did awesome except for the kid that played the candle sticks.  He kept using a different accent everytime he spoke.  The candle stick is french, there is no place for an English accent).


Con Air gives you Malkovich, Buscemi, Ving Rhames, Dave Chappelle, John Cusack, DannyTrejo it just doesn't stop.


Winner - Con Air


Nick's Hair - 


Face/Off - Nick just gives you a pretty standard buzzcut sort of thing.  It actually looks pretty good.


Con Air - This is probably Nick's hair's greatest performance.  


Winner - Con Air


Nick's Character's Name


Face/Off - Castor Troy


Con Air - Cameron Poe


Winner - Tie (these are pretty much the exact same badass 1990's name, I'm afraid of both guys)


Less Believable Plot


Face/Off - Nick and John trade faces and lives then fight each other.  


Con Air - Nick is just trying to get home.  He finally got paroled but man did he get on the wrong plane.  You never should get on a plane with Malkovich.  Never.


Winner - Face/Off.  I can believe Nick's hair in Con Air well before I can believe trading faces with Travolta.


Most Awesome Action Scene


Face/Off - I'm pretty sure they do some slow motion shooting at each other.


Con Air - They don't have enough fuel to get to the Vegas airport so they crash the plane right on the Vegas strip.  It is awesome and just when you think the movie is finally over.  It isn't.  Here's the scene for your viewing pleasure.  





Winner - Con Air


So its pretty clear here Spence.  While Face/Off does feature some Oscar caliber performances it just doesn't match up with Con Air.  Con Air has better hair, better action and a better supporting cast.  So if you had to go to a desert island with just one of these two movies its gotta be Con Air.  

Personal Lawyer

Dear Nurse Dave,

Do you have a lawyer? Like your own personal lawyer?

Steel
Madison, WI


My personal lawyer practices law in the state of Nevada and has a long flowing ponytail.  He practices in Nevada for a wide variety of legal reasons (evictions are his speciality) and he wears his hair long for a number of other reasons (the guy owns a flying v guitar). 


My lawyer advises me that ponytails are a prerquisite for awesome lawyering (a side career in hip-hop can also be helpful).


I for one only take legal advice from men that have ponytails and have serious musical talent.

Camaro

Dear Nurse Dave,
Is it true that all male nurses drive Camaros?
Patrick, Green Bay, Wisconsin

Yes Patrick it is true.   Most popular are the Camaros made in the 1990s preferably the IROC-Z because then it says IROC-Z on the side of your car.

Other rumors you may have heard about male nurses that are also true include
- Male nurses love Patrick Swayze (it doesn't matter what film from Ghost to Black Dog all male nurses love Patrick Swayze)
- Male nurse love to dance
- Male nursing is always the second career choice

Some rumors that are not true
- All male nurses have tons of chest hair
- Male nurses love the Transformer movies due to their love of camaros (most of us actually feel like they didn't utilize cameros enough in the films)
- No male nurse works in labor and delivery (a few dudes do do this)

Small Talk

Dear Nurse Dave,

I don't like small talk and am therefore horrible at it. I would like to want to get better at it so I can exchange meaningless pleasantries with other people and make them feel like I like them because most of the time I do, but they think I don't because I am horrible at small talk.

Any tips? I'll take my answer off the air. 

Thanks,

Jordan

Henderson, Nevada

I've got a bag full of tips for you Jordan because I once suffered from the same problem.  The first thing you need to do is stop thinking of the small talk as a conversation, think of it as a competition.   The person that tells the most interesting anecdote wins and that person needs to be you.  Calvin illustrates my point well in this strip.

In the small talk you must focus on three goals, 1) inflate your intelligence 2) inflate your comedy, which naturally leads to 3) inflate your self esteem.  People naturally like funny people with high self esteem.  But to achieve these goals you have to be prepared.  You can't go into small talk without a plan otherwise you could end up on the wrong side of the conversation (think about being cornered by a talker).

Here's what I do.  I go into each week with 3 stories or subjects ready to go for any situation. I gather these stories by listening to NPR, reading the internet and by living life.  You may remember an anecdote I told recently when I saw you.  I was dealing with a patient that was refusing clothing and I had to give him an IV.  I tried to settle him down a little and got him to lie in the correct direction on his bed.  I told him, "I need you to lay still because I have to stick you with this needle."  He said in reply with an intense anger or even hatred, "You son of a bitch."  I must have used that story 10 to 15 times over the next two weeks.  With each retelling I got better at telling the story.  The result was that people thought I was funnier than I actually am which inflated my self-esteem.  By bringing up stories from NPR I sound smarter than I actually am and by reading the internet I seem more informed than I actually am.  The trick is that you don't need to really know anything about a subject, just know that the subject exists.  

Jordan, you wouldn't go into a battle without ammunition.  You wouldn't try to drive to Montana without gas in your tank.  You wouldn't go on a picnic without a basket full of food (preferably fried chicken).  So why are you trying to have small talk without 3-4 ready to use anecdotes? 

Here's three suggestions for next week

1. Thomas Edison once forced cats to box each other (from the internet).

2. Albums everyone loves (from NPR).

3. Some acupuncture practitioners seem to know only slightly more about acupuncture than me and I've never even had acupuncture (from living life). 

Good luck!

Shapeshifting Bears

Dear Nurse Dave,
Do you think it's realistic that a shapeshifting bear would be "a reasonable, mellow, easygoing kind of guy"?
Spencer, Chicago, IL


Oh Spencer if you only knew.  The Shapeshifting bear you're referring to is of course named Crush and let me share some quotes from people that know him best.  Namely those that read the book.


 "I had a big soft spot for Crush. He's just so adorable, but can and would rip the arms off someone if they needed their arms ripped off. He `fan-girl crushes' on all the hockey players, and has moments of losing speech when he meets Cella's dad who is Crush's hockey idol. Crush has so many scenes that were just endearing to me and made all the sweeter considering the amount of insanity he's surrounded by, namely Cella."  Jess


"Lou "Crush" Crushek is usually a very laid back guy. But he makes the mistake of having one too many Jell-O shots at a co-worker's party and wakes up next to a naked She-Tiger." Katie


As you can see Spence its easy to be laid back and mellow that is until you wake up next to a naked she-tiger whose name happens to be Cella.  Here's some comments on Cella.


"I was a bit too excited to read this novel.  Especially when I realized that the main female character, Cella, was in a pro shapeshifting hockey league." Stephanie


"The heroine is not a `lily' girl and I love her for that. She lives - and thrives - in a men's world and respected at it too. Aside from her killer instinct and skill, she is just like most women - single mom, has her own family drama, two best friends at both end of spectrum, and a two job that she enjoys." Bukcrz


In case you were wondering the book is awesome.


"It took me a little over four hours to read this book simply because I DEVOURED it. Yes, I said devoured. It was more than just kick-a**, it was more than a steamy scene in the sheets, it was MORE than a love story, there was so MUCH to this book, it's hard to pinpoint what I loved the most, but I think it would have to be, that this book inspired me." Cassie


"There is no way anything Laurenston (the author of the book) writes should get less than 5 stars. Period. Her sexy humor is a delight, the character development satisfying, and the romance itself makes you smile. There's danger, action, love, sex, and shape-shifters. What more could a reader want? (Okay, maybe chocolate.)" Annette


"I loved this book, it was better than any other book she's written and I would know, I've read them all." Spencer 


So I think we can all agree now.  Shapeshifting bears can be mellow and laid back but watch out when a she-tiger gets involved.  Things tend to get steamy.  My only advice would be to purchase some chocolate to eat while you're reading and hold on.  Its going to be a steamy ride.  

Say You, Say Me?

Dear Nurse Dave,
What does it feel like to love and hate something at the same time?  Feel free to use Lionel Richie's Say You Say Me to explain.
Melissa, Somewhere in Virginia

Here goes, first lets examine the video.

Lionel Richie - Say You Say Me by sayit

First let me say I had to watch a commercial involving birth control before the video started.  Its interesting that birth control commercials always focus on a woman's active lifestyle and rarely imply what the product is actually used for.  This commercial used paper cut out animation.  Not as fun as those Yaz ads where the girl cuts her bangs and another one paints a wall orange.

Here goes, the video is starting with Lionel rising up from the ground most likely with a few buckets of dry ice going to steam it up a little.  I'm assuming Lionel used this song in some kind of dancing drama movie.  Lionel must know that I have a soft spot for angry dance sequences because that has me loving everything that's happening.  I also love the frequent use of the fist pump by Lionel, it feels very natural like something I need to add to my repertoire.  I'm starting to get a more negative feeling from that ballerina dancing guy.  I feel like I really don't like him.  But then all the sudden the song completely changes and Lionel starts dancing. I'm back in love with everything.  Then Lionel tells me, "Believe in who you are, you are a shining star."  But still there's more shots of the ballerina guy and now he's got a band-aid on his forehead.  I'm assuming somebody must have hit him with something because he doesn't seem very likeable.

So at the end of watching that video I feel uncomfortable.  I don't want to know anything more about the movie those scenes are from but I do want to see Lionel make a few more fist pumps.  It is a little distressing because I want to watch the video again but I'm not sure I can handle it.  Its kind of like that feeling when you're at a buffet and you are already too full but because it is a buffet you know you have to go back for one more plateful.  I think that's what its like to love and hate something at the same time.

Summer Movie Preview - July and August

I'm just going to continue on with Ed's question here and examine the rest of the summer movies.

JULY
The Amazing Spiderman - Thankfully the call has been answered.  We've been desperate for another take on Spider-man and we finally get it.  Fortunately the costume has been completely updated.  We get to see the origin again (it's been ten years since the last time).  And this time Spider-man fights a lizard (something we've all been hoping for).  About time.  The only thing missing is the Rock.

The Dark Knight Rises - Yes this movie stars Tom Hardy.  This star of my number one movie of 2011 - Warrior.  Its unclear as to if he's playing the same character as the one in Warrior but he still is very much muscle bound and very angry.  Also, Christian Bale continues to use his Batman voice.  I for one vote that he just always use his Batman voice every time he talks.  I find his real accent somewhat unsettling.

The Watch - Formally known as Neighborhood Watch.  The name was changed due to the Trayvon Martin shooting.  It involves aliens I think but I'm not sure.  Most summer movies do involve aliens so we can just assume this one does too.

Step Up - Revolution - Continuing my huge endorsement of summer dance movies.  This one involves a real estate developer threatening a dance crew's neighborhood.  Basically like the Goonies but with a whole lot more dancing.

AUGUST
The Bourne Legacy - Something we all have been hoping for, a Jason Bourne movie that doesn't actually have Jason Bourne in it.  Thank you hollywood.

Total Recall - Colin Farrell jumps in for Arnold Scwharnzenagerr.  Only this time he doesn't go to Mars presumably because every movie set on Mars in the last decade has been a huge commercial failure.

The Expendables 2 - The fight between Stallone and Van Damme would alone be worth the price of admission.  On top of that we get Statham saying, "I now pronounce you man and knife."  Schawarnzeger saying, "I'm back," as if his tongue was massively swollen.  Stallone flying a plane into a cave.  Stallone saying that the plan is, "Track 'em, find 'em, kill 'em." Plus it has Bruce Willis.  The only thing I'm disappointed about is that there's still no Die Hard 5.

 Premium Rush - Joseph-Gordon Levitt is a bike messenger is some kind of awesome hurry.

Lawless - What do you get when you add the star of my favorite movie of 2011 (Tom Hardy from Warrior and the Dark Knight Rises) with my sister's favorite actor (Shia Labouef from Transformers, Disturbia, Indiana jones 4)?  You get Lawless an awesome bootlegging drama that's entire story gets told in the trailer.  I really enjoyed the trailer.  Go ahead and watch it.  It's probably all you need to do.

So there you go Ed.  I think you pretty much have your summer planned out now.